How To Respond To Gossip and Slander

Two Angry and Offended Women

The account of Joseph in Genesis is like a Hollywood movie. There was a man with a colored robe in the account. His father had twelve sons and was wealthy. This fascinating story is packed with intrigue! The story begins in Genesis 37. In the account we find that Joseph had two dreams: one dream about sheaves, and another dream about the sun, moon, and stars. His family understood that the dream indicated that someday they would bow down before Joseph. They did not like it and were offended. So, the brothers sold Joseph to some Midianites. Eventually, in Genesis 39:1, we find that Joseph was then sold into Egypt. A number of things happened to Joseph. Eventually he became the second in command in Egypt after he interpreted Pharaoh’s dream, a dream that Pharaoh did not understand. As a result of interpreting the dream, Pharaoh made him second in command to prepare for a famine that would last seven years. It took seven years to get ready, and at the end of the seventh year, the famine finally hits. We are told that eventually the sons of Jacob came down to Egypt because they needed food as the famine hit them as well. When they arrived in Egypt, they encountered Joseph. It was not apparent to them that the man they saw is Joseph, and in Genesis 45 we read the following:

Then Joseph could not control himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried, “Have everyone go out from me.” So there was no man with him when Joseph made himself known to his brothers. Genesis 45:1 (NASB)

The message is that Joseph understood and recognized that the ten men who stood before him—everybody had come but Benjamin—were his brothers. The brothers had no clue who he was. Verses 2-3:

He wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard it, and the household of Pharaoh heard of it. Then Joseph said to his brothers, “ I am Joseph! Is my father still alive?” But his brothers could not answer him, for they were dismayed at his presence. Genesis 45:2-3 (NASB)

The word “dismayed” in verse 3 has the idea that they were quite disturbed, or quite troubled. I think I would have been too.

Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Please come closer to me.” And they came closer. And he said, “I am your brother Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance. Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God.” Genesis 45:4-8a (NASB)

Joseph understood. He understood that it was God who had brought him into Egypt, and not just his brothers. His brothers were a tool that God used to bring Joseph down to Egypt to save the Hebrew people. Now you can just imagine how Joseph’s brothers’ felt emotionally as they were listening. I think they were quite uncomfortable at this moment. But what I find really fascinating in this passage is that nowhere in the book of Genesis did Joseph ever confront his brothers about what they did. He never challenged them. You might ask, “How do you know that? How can we be sure that is true?” We discover in Genesis 50:16 that Joseph’s father, Jacob had died after the entire family had moved to and had been living in Egypt. His brothers became quite anxious after Isaac’s death and were concerned that Joseph might punish them for the manner in which they had originally treated him. So, we read this in Genesis 50:16-17.

So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, “Your father charged before he died, saying, ‘Thus you shall say to Joseph, “Please forgive, I beg you, the transgression of your brothers and their sin, for they did you wrong.”’ And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.” And Joseph wept when they spoke to him. Genesis 50:16-17 (NASB)

Did you notice what it says in verse 17? It says,

Please forgive, I beg you, the transgression of your brothers and their sin, for they did you wrong.

Now you and I would like their request for forgiveness in verse 17. They asked for forgiveness, but Joseph never mentioned their offense toward him. What does that reveal about Joseph? That means he forgave them. Joseph had already forgiven them before they ever asked for forgiveness. Verses 18-20 add,

Then his brothers also came and fell down before him and said, “Behold, we are your servants.” But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. Genesis 50:18-20 (NASB)

Joseph understood. He understood exactly why he was in Egypt, and Joseph never, ever confronted them—watch this—he never discussed forgiveness. There was never a discussion about the fact that they had done him wrong. But it is very clear that Joseph had forgiven them for he wept when they apologized.

Do you know what this account of Joseph illustrates for us? It reveals that forgiveness should be unconditional and unilateral. It does not require the other person to beg or plead for forgiveness. It should come freely and willingly from us, unconditionally and unilaterally. That is what the account of Joseph illustrates for us—right out of the first book of the Bible. It is a tremendous account, and is put here to teach us a number of things. It shows us that not only does God work through us to accomplish His will, but sometimes he will put us through difficult pain in order to accomplish His will for a greater good. We are his tools. This is also an illustration of forgiveness.

Do Not Take Revenge

Our study is about how to respond to someone who offends us. There are many ways in which we can respond to someone who offends. Some are very bad and some are better. We will examine four ways in which we could respond. The first way we could respond when someone offends us is to do as Samson did to the Philistines in Judges 15-16. On this occasion, Samson took some foxes, lit their tails on fire, and let them run through the fields and destroy the Philistines’ crops. In response, the Philistines killed his ex-wife. Then in response to that, Samson kills some Philistines. It is revenge, after revenge, after revenge for two chapters. It is amazing to see how offended people respond. That is one way you and I could respond to someone who offends us, but Romans 12:17-18 challenge us with these words. It says,

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Romans 12:17-18 (NASB)

Now listen to the words.

Never take your own revenge. Romans 12:19a (NASB)

Never take your own revenge. That is exactly what Joseph did. He did not take his own revenge.

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. Romans 12:19 (NASB)

Romans 12:19 is repeated in other parts of Scripture. Revenge is sin, and it displeases the Lord. It is very interesting that this verse says that if we do not take revenge, we leave room for the wrath of God. The message is that if you take revenge, then God will not punish them. In fact, Proverbs 24:17-18 says,

Do not rejoice when your enemy falls,
And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles;
Or the LORD will see it and be displeased,
And turn His anger away from him.
Proverbs 24:17-18 (NASB)

So, if you are offended by someone, do not return evil for evil. The message is that it is sin for us to seek our own revenge.

Another way we respond when we are offended is to insult, curse, or slander the offender. 1 Peter 3:8-9 is addressed to husbands and wives. It applies to all of us. Here is what it says:

To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9 (NASB)

We are to bless people. In fact, we need to think about good things to say about people. It is usually easier to say bad things about people. We seem to enjoy slandering others. But Scripture tells us to think about some good things to say about people to other people.

Do Not Associate With Gossips

A second way that we could respond when we are offended is to be less confrontational. That is, we do something “behind their backs.” Gossip is usually a less negative form of slander. However, gossip is the practice of slander. For example, consider Proverbs 20:19 which says,

He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets,
Therefore do not associate with a gossip. Proverbs 20:19 (NASB)

We are told plainly that slander reveals secrets. The verse does not say the secrets are designed or intended to hurt another person. The Hebrew for slander is rakil. The Driver, and Charles Augustus Briggs, Enhanced Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon just simply defines rakil as “tale-bearer, informer.” This Hebrew word also occurs five other times (Leviticus 19:16; Proverbs 11:13; Jeremiah 9:4; Ezekiel 22:9). In Proverbs 11:3 we discover the word simply refers to one who reveals a secret, but a faithful man conceals a matter. That is, a slanderer does not conceal secrets, he or she shares them. He or she who does this is a rakil. Jeremiah 6:28 says a slanderer is corrupt. A gossip just openly shares everything. So, are any of us a slanderer? It does not matter if someone asked you to reveal a secret about someone. To do so, you are still held responsible for sharing negative information about someone.

Next, we are told to have nothing to do with a gossip, just avoid them. I do not know if you can think of anyone who is a slanderer or a gossip, but if you can think of one, avoid them. Have nothing to do with them. Why? Because 1 Corinthians 15:33 says that if you associate with them, you will become like them. It is a warning so that we will not become be like them.

Do Not Avoid Those Who Offend

A third way we could respond to an offender is to be even less confrontational than gossip and slander by just avoiding them! That is, have nothing to do with them. If you see them coming, go another direction. You see them, so you do not greet them. Or you avoid a meeting that they will be attending, or you do not go to their home. Maybe you avoid church in order to avoid them. If that is your plan, notice what Proverbs 18:1 says,

He who separates himself seeks his own desire,
He quarrels against all sound wisdom. Proverbs 18:1 (NASB)

Did you catch the part about “he who separates himself seeks his own desire”? The NIV says it in an interesting way, “An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment.”

Now look at Matthew 5:44. This is part of the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus has some strong words to say to people who avoid others. Here are verses 44-45,

“But I tell you: Love your enemies . . .”

Loving your enemies is hardly avoiding them. He says,

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Matthew 5:44-45 (NASB)

The message is that God sends rain on the righteous people and the unrighteous people. He does not care whether you love Him or you do not love Him. He does not care whether you are godly or ungodly—He loves everybody and He takes care of everybody. He provides rain. He takes care of the seasons. He takes care of our—watch this—all our needs. Verse 46 adds,

If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? Matthew 5:46 (NASB)

What is important about this verse is that the Jews hated tax gatherers because most of them were Romans or they were Jews who were working for the Roman government. Verse 47 is the clincher. He says,

And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Matthew 5:47 (NASB)

Now we are—talking about avoiding people. The word for “more” in the Greek has the idea of “exceedingly unusual.” The point is that if you greet only your brothers, you are not exceeding the unusual, you are just common, you are like everybody else. Notice the end of the verse. It says, “Do not even the pagans do the same?”

What is the message? Jesus warns us to not avoid others. If you do, you are not any better than they are—you are just like them.

So how should we respond to those who offend us? Do not avoid them. That is unloving, and it is antithetical to the character of God Himself.

Do Not Create Doctrinal Inconsistency

Now those are some of the very common ways—not all of the ways—in which we could respond to offenders. Our study this morning is not about those. Our study is about a response that sounds very spiritual. It sounds really nice, because Those who practice this response cling to a verse that they believe gives them permission to attack a person.

The verse is Matthew 18:15. Some people believe this verse actually gives permission to confront an offender. The idea is that it helps you resolve your inner struggle with that person. It is endorsed by secular and Christian counselors as a method to help someone feel better because they finally confront their offender. Many people who advocate this have really cloaked revenge in spirituality.

The New American Standard Bible reads this way in Matthew 18:15,

But if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private. And if he listens to you, you have won your brother. Matthew 18:15 (NASB)

Now you might say, “That sounds okay.” I have heard that before. I think it is important to help people. But if we read the King James version, the New King James version, or the ESV you will find different wording. These Bibles insert two words. Here is the King James Version Bible,

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault… Matthew 18:15a (KJV)

The key words that are not found in the New American Standard and in the NIV are “against you.” But there are those who want the verse to read as, “If your brother sins against you,” then you have biblical support to go and confront him or her, because he or she has offended you.

Ignore the Words “Against You.”

Now, I want to give you three reasons why this view is wrong. The key issue here in Matthew 18:15 is that the words “against you” are not in the best manuscripts, including the original manuscripts. So, what does that mean? It means that it is a violation of a fundamental principle of biblical interpretation to base a doctrine or a teaching on those two words since they are in doubt. We can be confident that there is good reason to doubt that those two words belong in our Bibles. If the text is uncertain, then we should not risk basing any teaching on those two words alone. You might commit a sin in doing so. That is the great risk.

So the first way we should respond to this situation, if we are going to seriously operate with integrity, is to not base our doctrine on the two questionable words “against you.” That is, we are not commanded to confront someone just because we have been offended. That is the first reason this view is wrong.

Forgive Seventy Times Seven

The second reason this view is wrong will become obvious when we realize that Matthew 18:15-22 and Luke 17:3-4 are parallel passages. Matthew 18:15-22 has given us more information, than Luke 17:3-4 has given us. Luke 17:3-4 is a summary. For example, in the KJV Matthew 18:15-17 reads as,

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Matthew 18:15-17 (KJV)

Now jump down to verse 21.

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22 (KJV)

Notice that at the very beginning, Matthew 18:15 starts with “if your brother shall trespass against you,” and then it outlines a process of what we call church discipline. When we get to verses 21 and 22, Peter is asking, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me?” Did you see that? Peter asked the question, “How often do I forgive someone who has sinned against me?” “Shall I forgive him seven times?” Jesus says, “No, seventy times seven.” It is important to notice that there is no discussion here at all in verses 21 and 22 about confronting the one who has offended you. There is also no comment about waiting for the person to repent before we are to forgive them.

Now if we go to Luke 17, we find that verse 3 begins a discussion about church discipline. Verse 4 corresponds to the discussion between Peter and Christ about forgiveness. So verse 3 corresponds to the beginning of Matthew 1:15-18, or church discipline. Luke 17:4 corresponds to Matthew 18:21-22, which is the discussion that Jesus and Peter had together. Let us read Luke 17:3-4

Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” Luke 17:3-4 (NASB)

If we compare the Matthew and Luke passages, we discover the Luke passage is the shorter version. Matthew is the longer version.

Also, we must notice that Luke 17:3 does not include “against you” after “If your brother sins.” The reason is that it was not included in the original manuscripts. So, the gospel of Luke does not include it. Jesus did not say that. Now we also need to discover that “against you” does not belong in Matthew 18:15 because it is contrary to both Matthew 18:21-22 and Luke 17:4. We will discuss this more in the next section.

Now notice that verse 4 does not command us to confront someone who has sinned against us. Rather, we are supposed to repeatedly and unendingly forgive him rather than confronting them. Nor are there any commands or encouragements in Luke 17:4 to refuse to forgive the individual until he or she repents or apologizes. We are not commanded to force or manipulate them into apologizing to us or to repent. The point is that we are supposed to do what? Forgive! We are to unconditionally and unilaterally forgive all who offend us all on our own. So, we are to forgive unendingly without any condition. That is the second reason we are not to confront someone who has sinned against us.

Do Not Confront Our Offenders

Now, let us go to the third point. Let us begin by assuming for a minute that the statement “against you” does belong in the best and earlier manuscripts of Matthew 18:15. Let us assume that Jesus really said in Matthew 18:15 that, “If your brother sins against you,” is the correct statement. If that is true, then we have some doctrinal problems. For example, it is highly unlikely that Jesus actually commanded us to confront every offender for every offense they committed against us. Think about it for a second. What would it be like if we kept track of every offense committed by every offender and we said, “I am not going to forgive this person. I am going to wait until they return, apologize, and ask me to forgive them.” What do you think that would do to your heart after a while? What do you think that would do to your heart if you were keeping track of all the offenses and refused to forgive until they humble themselves before you?

But sadly we find people say, “If you have been offended by somebody you need to clear the air and confront them and you will feel better.” But that will not make anyone feel better since that is inconsistent with forgiving someone seventy times seven. Those who confront because they have been offended display very great selfishness, and very great self-centeredness. John MacArthur makes the following comment. He says,

If you had a friend who scrupulously tried to confront you every time you committed a petty offense, would not the friendship grow tedious pretty quickly? And if marriage partners saw it as their solemn duty to confront each other for every offense, would not such a mindset make the marriage relationship practically impossible to endure? It is a mistake to assume verses like Luke 17:3, “if your brother sins, rebuke him,” and Matthew 18:15, “if your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault,” are absolutely prescriptions for every kind of transgression. If we are obligated to confront one another for every paltry misdeed, we would be doing nothing else.

Since others commit so many offenses against us, just imagine confronting everyone. I suspect that much of the time they would say, “I did not know I offended you. I am sorry.” So, what are we supposed to do? Are we supposed to keep a track record of every little petty offense? Unbelievable! The correct biblical perspective on forgiveness is that it should be unconditional and unilateral, overlooking offenses. Forgiving is not remembering the offense forever.

Forgive Immediately

Now, we need to examine four examples why it is biblical to forgive unconditionally and unilaterally. The first one is found in Galatians 6:1-2. The verses say:

Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1 (NASB)

What is the message? The first thing we need to notice is that verse 2 says we are to be “bearing one another’s burdens and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Watch this! Verses 1 and 2 are not about us getting some comfort in the process of confronting somebody else. These two verses are about what is best for them. The entire focus is about what is best for the offender, not for us. If we look at verse 1, it says, “Brethren, even if anyone is caught in a trespass . . .” The point is that “you who are spiritual . . .” Stop right there! “You who are spiritual….” May I ask if someone has been offended, are they going to be very spiritual due to a lot of emotion inside when they go to confront their offender? If we are honest, usually the offended are hardly spiritual, hardly humble, or truly gentle enough to qualify to do the confronting. They themselves as usually struggling inside. If you are still struggling inside, you are hardly in a spiritual position to confront your offender. It is inconsistent with the idea of “you who are spiritual.”

Next, notice that it says, “and restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness.” Now that is a challenge if you have been offended. If you are anxious inside and struggling with bitterness and the trauma of the situation, it will be very difficult to help another person. “Each one looking to yourself so that you too will not be tempted.” What is the message? The message is that verses 1 and 2 of Galatians 6 tell us that we need to focus on forgiving them first. If we have to confront someone, we must be caring about them. The goal is to restore them. The focus is not me. The focus is the offender. We must do what is good for them. We must begin by unconditionally and unilaterally forgiving them.

Forgive Unconditionally and Unilaterally

Now the second example is actually illustrated by Joseph himself. Joseph was a great example for us! He did not confront his brothers. In fact, his brothers returned to Egypt, and they were worried that he was going to punish them. His brothers came to him in the end and apologized. They were pleading to be forgiven. They did not realize that he had already forgiven them. Joseph had forgiven unconditionally and unilaterally.

Another example is Jesus. Remember when Jesus was on the cross? The crowds were insulting, ridiculing, and mocking Him. They were slowly killing Him. The soldiers pounded nails into His hands and feet. Remember what Jesus did? He said, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they do.” Jesus did not confront them. He did not wait for them to plead or beg and repent. They were hardly repenting. In fact, they were rebuking him all the time. They wanted Jesus dead and it could not happen fast enough. What does Jesus do? He says, “Forgive them.” That is, unilateral and unconditional forgiveness.

How about Stephen in Acts 17? He was the first martyr of the church. Remember what happened at the end of Acts 7:59-60? Here is the passage,

They went on stoning Stephen as he called on the Lord and said, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit!” Then falling on his knees, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!” Having said this, he fell asleep. Acts 7:59-60 (NASB)

When did Stephen say that? While they were throwing stones at him. They were not repenting. He was not confronting them. What did he do? He forgave—unilateral and unconditional forgiveness.

How about another example? In Matthew 5:38, during the Sermon on the Mount Jesus said this:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘ AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’” Matthew 5:38 (NASB)

The religious leaders of Jesus’ day borrowed a statement in the Old Testament that was about civil law, and they converted it into something that was personal. They said that if someone did something bad to you, you could do exactly the same thing to them. If they damaged your eye, you could damage their eye. If they damaged your tooth, you could damage their tooth. An offense for an offense! But Jesus said in verse, “But I say to you.” That is, what the Pharisees taught was wrong!

“But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Matthew 5:39-40 (NASB)

What is Jesus saying? Jesus said, “Do not seek revenge!” If they do wrong to you, then forgive them unilaterally and unconditionally.” Or how about Ephesians 4:1-3, another great passage. It says,

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3 (NASB)

Think about this. We do not preserve the unity of the spirit and the bond of peace if we are withholding forgiveness. We are not to be confronting every offender for every offense. That does not bring peace. It is unbiblical. Let us pray.