Couples At War Over Some Issue
I would like you to look at your thumb for a second, and then bring your thumb up close to your eye and look at the print on your thumb. Next I would like you to look at the print on your index finger and then at the print on your pinkie or little finger. Science tells us that the prints on our fingers are unique to us. The ten prints that you have on your hands are like no other fingerprints that anyone else has ever had. In other words, your prints are unique.
We are also told that the pattern of the iris in our eye is unique. In fact, what the government, businesses, and tech companies are contemplating is taking a picture of the iris of our eye to use as our unique identifier. We are told that our DNA is unique. We are also told that our faces are unique. Government and businesses are contemplating different ways to identify who we are based on our fingerprints, our DNA, the iris in our eyes, and/or by facial recognition. The most important factor is that we are all unique!
Psalms 139:14 tells us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” That tells us something wonderful—God has made each of us unique. None of us is the same. God is a designer, and He designed each one of us differently. Think about the billions of people in this world, and each one of us is unique. We have an incredible God, What tremendous designs God has made! That did not occur by happenstance. He is a designer at work, uniquely creating each one of us!
There is something else unique about each one of us. Each one of us has a different personality. Today, if you were to attend certain psychology, human resources, career training or education classes, you would actually be given a test to determine what your personality is like. When I went to the California State University in Los Angeles, the professor in one of my education courses had the entire class take a test to determine their personality category. Each one of us has a unique personality, just like the iris in our eyes, our DNA, our fingerprints, and our faces. I believe that each one of us has a unique personality unlike anyone else’s.
The goal of that test was to put all of the people into one of four different types of personalities: analytical, drivers, expressive, and amiable. The way they determined our personality type was by having us answer questions about the things we like and the things we dislike. Everyone in the class was put into one of the four personality categories, but each one of us had a different personality.
For example, the analytical personality is one who makes decisions slowly. They take time to think through decisions. They ask questions before they ever make the decision. This type of person is often a perfectionist. Those are positive aspects of the analytical person. A negative aspect of the analytical person is that they often appear to be rigid. They can appear to be uncaring and they are slow to respond. They are not really uncaring, but that is the way they are often perceived. This type of person is an introvert. That is, they are less outgoing than other people. That does not mean they are totally withdrawn, although we know some individuals who are totally withdrawn. That would be the extreme aspect of being an analytical. This type of person is very thoughtful, and they just take more time making decisions.
The driver personality is a doer. The driver is passionate about the goal; they are the person who sees the overall picture, but tries to consider all aspects of a situation. They often ignore the details. In fact, this is the type of person who usually does not want to be bothered with the details. Let someone else work out the details They just come up with the ideas. They are often emotional in the process. There are some negatives with regard to the driver because they often do not want to follow through; they just create the idea.
The expressive personality is one who is usually described as the life of the party. Everyone likes this person. They are often boisterous and a great communicator; but the negative side is that they jump from one thing to another thing without focusing and rarely see the task through. This person is an extrovert, and often makes decisions based on feelings. They rarely think things through to the end.
The amiable personality is someone who is friendly, patient and shy. This person does not like big changes, and is usually very helpful.
Those are the four basic personality categories. Each one of us fits into one of those main categories. All of us are a mixture of the four categories. The “ideal personality”—at least according to the people who created the test—is the person who has an equal blend of each of these four categories. The ideal personality would be analytical, a driver, amiable and expressive in equal amounts.
Here are some questions to consider. What are you like? What type of personality type do you have? Even more importantly if you are married, if you have a friend, or you observe someone in church, ask yourself what are they like? What is your spouse like? Are they analytical, a driver, amiable, or are they an expressive?
Personality Types In Marriage
We are going to explore the personality types and encourage you to think about yourself and your spouse and your personality types. We will look at Genesis 3:1 and share some dangerous sins tied to these personality types that destroy relationships.
There are two personalities that are destructive in marriage. In Genesis 3 Adam and Eve have already been created. In the last study, we saw that Eve was created because Adam was alone, and God knew that it was not good for Adam to be alone. Therefore, God made Adam a “helper suitable for him”. When we arrived at the end of Genesis 2, one would think that a perfect couple, in the perfect Garden of Eden, would have a perfect married life, and the rest of their life would have been absolutely fantastic.
But when we read Genesis 3, we discover that is not what happened. The perfect couple in the perfect garden brought travesty into their marriage. Genesis 3:1 says,
Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” Genesis 3:1 (NASB)
The Hebrew word for “serpent” here has the idea of serpent or snake. Revelation 12:9 tells us who this serpent was. While the Hebrew word means serpent or snake, and that is the predominant meaning of the word throughout the Old Testament, we find that this snake symbolizes Satan. Here is the verse,
And the great dragon was thrown down, the serpent of old who is called the devil and Satan . . . Revelation 12:9 (NASB)
So who was the serpent of old in Genesis 3:1? It was Satan or the devil. We might wonder how this could be since we are told “the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field.” What I believe happened in Genesis 3 is that Satan took possession of an animal of the field. First, we are going to discover that sin entered the world, and after that happened, God pronounced the curse. Second, God pronounced three separate curses: one on the serpent, one on the woman and one on the man. In verse 14, we are told,
The LORD God said to the serpent,
“Because you have done this,
Cursed are you more than all cattle,
And more than every beast of the field;
On your belly you will go,
And dust you will eat
All the days of your life;
Genesis 3:14 (NASB)
The curse for the serpent was that the animal would be crawling on the ground. It became a snake. I do not believe the animal in Genesis 3:1 was initially a snake, but became one with the curse. Today, the terms snake and serpent refer to the same creatures. But God did not make snakes during the six days of creation. In verse 1, this animal is not a snake. Probably, it was an attractive animal because Satan himself was gorgeous and wanted to be like God. I rather suspect that Satan wanted to take possession of a very beautiful animal. When he had, he approached Eve and said,
“Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” Genesis 3:1 (NASB)
When we are told that the serpent was crafty, the Hebrew word just means “shrewd” or “cunning.” So this was a very sneaky animal because Satan had taken possession or embodied it. Satan then asked a question, “Indeed has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?”
As I read this, I was impressed by two things: first of all this animal spoke to Eve. Is it not interesting that Eve had a conversation with this animal? It does not appear that Eve was surprised that the serpent spoke to her. Do you have conversations with your dog or cat and understand them perfectly? Can you imagine Eve responding to an animal of the field and having an ongoing dialogue as if this was normal? That is what happened.
I see two interesting points here. One is that she responded to the animal. That is, amazing by itself. The second point is she did not appear to be surprised. This suggests that animals talked to humans in the Garden of Eden before the Fall. I cannot be dogmatic on that point, but that is probably why Satan took possession of an animal. He knew Eve was capable of having a conversation with a serpent.
Notice what the serpent said. He raised the question, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any of the trees of the garden’?” Think about every word in this question. It is accurate, except for one word and that is often how error occurs. Someone is teaching and states a seemingly innocuous error. Proverb 10:19 says,
When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable. Proverbs 10:19 (NASB)
When we talk too much, usually just one little part is wrong. Satan asked if God had said, “You shall not eat from any tree of the garden.”
That is the key word “any.” That was a lie. God did not say from any tree. That was an absolute, total lie. All you have to do is read Genesis 2:15-17 where it says,
Then the LORD God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The LORD God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.” Genesis 2:15-17 (NASB)
Satan asked a question, and just one little word was wrong. It was the word, “any”.
Verse 2 says:
The woman said to the serpent, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.’” Genesis 3:2 (NASB)
Now many people make a big deal about the fact that Eve inserted the words “touch it.” They say, “You see, she was wrong. She heard it wrong or misspoke.” Maybe she did. One thing I have found is that Scripture does not always tell us everything. It often gives us the essence or the overview of an event and leaves out some details.
As we had been going through Genesis 1 previously, I found it fascinating that on Day 3 of creation, God separated the water from the land. He commanded dry land to appear. That is a very simple statement—”let the dry land appear” and draw the water “into one place.” But had you realized there were laws of physics that God created in order for that to happen? He created all the laws of physics, of chemistry, and of all the sciences in order to create the world. Is it not interesting that Genesis does not describe those laws for us?
Scripture does not name all the different laws that God put into place to create the world. God did not tell us how He created the seas or oceans. It does not describe in detail how He caused the land to rise in elevation thus causing the water to pool together. We are only given a summary statement without all the details. So when God told Adam that he could eat from any tree of the garden except for the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, it is possible God made other statements. Maybe Eve told the truth thinking why would you touch fruit that you cannot eat?
Eve’s response illustrates a danger for every believer. If she did remember things incorrectly, is that not what believers sometimes do today? We do not always remember God’s word accurately leading us to misunderstand a passage. Maybe she misunderstood God’s command to them!
Verse 4 says:
The serpent said to the woman, “You surely will not die! Genesis 3:4 (NASB)
Satan did not care whether she could or could not touch the tree. He did not discuss whether or not she could eat from the tree. Instead, he commented on the last part of her statement where she said “or you will die!” Satan said, “You surely will not die!” What was he doing? He was raising doubt about what God had said.
He was implying that God is a liar. What is rather fascinating is that the word “die” in the Hebrew is repeated twice. That means that he is making the point that she definitely was not going to die. What is even more interesting is that the verb is an imperfect. That is, he was saying, “You are not going to be dying.” He was saying God is a liar. He raised doubt about God’s character, that He cares, is faithful, is helpful and loved her. Satan slandered God! He implied something that was not true. Do you ever slander people? Maybe it is intentional or you just imply something that is wrong, and then comfort yourself by saying that you did not tell a lie?
I was reminded this week of 1 Peter 5:7 where we are urged to cast all of our anxiety on Him for He cares for us. Has Satan ever told you that God does not care? When you are going through a difficult time, has Satan ever said, “God does not really care about you at all. He is totally oblivious to what you are going through. He is more interested in other people.” That is what Satan was doing with Eve. Satan said, “You can eat of the tree, but you are not going to die. God did not really mean that.”
Satan tries to create doubt, and when believers start doubting God, we are like a boat with a broken rudder. If we are not careful, we will be going in the wrong direction. Satan was successful. Eve started to doubt God. She shifted the rudder of her life and made a horrible decision possible. It affected her and her husband. Then Adam made the ultimate decision that caused the entire human race to become sinners, but Eve began the process.
In verse 5, Satan continued,
For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:5 (NASB)
Satan was actually correct, because when she ate from the tree, she would become like God only in the sense of understanding good and evil. There is the sense in which she was already like God since she was made in the image of God. When she sinned, then she became like God in the sense that she now knew about the difference between good and evil.
Verse 6 says,
When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise . . . Genesis 3:6a (NASB)
I was thinking about that little statement, “and that the tree was desirable to make one wise.” That reveals she had unusual discernment. She had the capability to look at the fruit and draw the correct conclusion. Next we are told,
. . . she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. Genesis 3:6b (NASB)
Then all kinds of trouble came. The rudder was not straight, and Eve and Adam both ate.
Verse 7 says:
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. Genesis 3:7 (NASB)
Paradise was lost! The perfect couple in the perfect garden, potentially having the perfect life, and then all was gone! They were no longer a perfect couple and would soon lose the perfect garden. They had already lost the perfect life. It started by not trusting God. Verse 7 states that their eyes were opened and they knew they were in trouble.
In verse 8 we read this:
They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. Genesis 3:8 (NASB)
What does that tell us? First of all, we are told that they heard the sound of God. I believe this was a Christophany, an Old Testament appearance of the second person of the Trinity. The word “walking” has the idea of moving through the garden. So Christ as a Christophany used to visit them in the garden because we are told, “They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day.” Now why would they hide themselves? Because they recognized the sound, and knew who was coming to them. They knew it was a physical appearance of the Lord moving through the garden. They knew they had done wrong.
Then verse 9 adds:
Then the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” He said, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.” Genesis 3:9-10 (NASB)
They knew who He was. They knew what was happening.
And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” Genesis 3:11 (NASB)
God asked a great question, ”Have you eaten from that tree of which I told you not to eat?” I imagine Adam’s heart was beating extremely fast, and maybe Eve’s heart was beating even faster! We know what it is like to get nervous, and I suspect that they were extremely fearful at this point.
And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate.” Genesis 3:11-12 (NASB)
As we have often heard, Adam was passing the blame.
Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” And the woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” Genesis 3:13 (NASB)
No one wanted to take responsibility, absolutely no one. We have already read in verse 14 that God pronounced a curse on Satan. Verse 15 gives the details of the curse on Satan, and is a prophecy about the coming Messiah, the first advent of Christ. For the purposes of our study on marriage, we will skip it and go to verse 16, where we are going to read about the curse on the woman and the man. We will see two negative personality traits that are present and destructive in every marriage.
To the woman He said,
“I will greatly multiply
Your pain in childbirth,
In pain you will bring forth children;
Yet your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you.”
Genesis 3:16 (NASB)
The first four lines are well understood by every woman. Every woman who has given birth can tell you that this curse of pain is real, unless she is the rare woman to whom God has given an unusual grace of no pain in childbirth.
Wife Desires To Control
But the last two lines of this verse are extremely important for every marriage.
Yet your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16b (NASB)
In the line that starts with, “Yet your desire.” The Hebrew word, teshuqah, for “desire” occurs only three times in the Old Testament. The first occurrence is here in this verse. The next time “desire” occurs is in Genesis 4:7, and the third time is in the Song of Solomon. It is a very unique word. I want to help us understand its meaning by looking at Genesis 4:7.
Chapter 4 is about Cain and Abel. Both of them had already been born. You will see that in verse 1, and also in verse 2. What we are told in verse 2 is that Abel was a keeper of flocks, and Cain was a tiller of the ground. That is, one raised and cared for animals and the other one planted and raised fruits and vegetables.
In verse 3 we are told,
So it came about in the course of time that Cain brought an offering to the LORD of the fruit of the ground. Abel, on his part also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of their fat portions. And the LORD had regard for Abel and for his offering; but for Cain and for his offering He had no regard. So Cain became very angry and his countenance fell. Genesis 4:3-5 (NASB)
I always find this fascinating. God liked the offering that Abel gave, which was an offering from the animals, but He did not like the offering that Cain provided. Consequently, Cain was upset with his brother. In reality, I believe he was upset with God, but he expressed his anger against his brother.
Verse 6 says:
Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? Genesis 4:6 (NASB)
Is that not usually what happens when people get angry? You can often see it in their faces. Their lips quiver, their facial expression changes. You suspect they are angry. So, God asked, “Why is your countenance fallen?”
Verse 7 says,
If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” Genesis 4:7 (NASB)
We are told that Cain failed the test. Cain yielded to his anger, murdered his brother, and then paid a penalty for it. But I want you to take a closer look at verse 7 where God said,
And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” Genesis 4:7b (NASB)
Do you see the word “desire”? That is translated from the same Hebrew word in Genesis 3:16 where God told Eve “yet your desire will be for your husband.”
Is it not interesting that the word “desire” in Genesis 4:7 is the same word in Genesis 3:16? In Genesis 3:16, we are told the woman is going to desire her husband. Some people say, “Oh, that is a good thing! That is wonderful. She is going to want her husband.” No, this desire is not a good thing. The Hebrew word that is translated as “desire” has the desire for control. The message for us is that the curse upon the wife is that she will desire to control her husband. Look at verse 7 again,
And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, Genesis 4:7b (NASB)
What does sin want? Sin wants to control you. But you must master it. That implies warfare! God announced that there will be war between husband and wife. Sin wants to control you, but you have to control it. The sense of the word “desire” is the desire for control.
God is announcing a curse. This announcement that the woman desires her husband would not be much of a curse if it was a positive statement. But if her desire is for control, that is a curse. God had just told us that one of the personality traits in marriage is the desire for a wife to dominate and control her husband. We continue to see this in marriages today.
One woman told me once, “I am not ever submitting to any man—I am not ever going to do that.” What she displayed when she said that was a rebellious attitude towards God, because God tells wives to do exactly the opposite. I pity the man that she marries because God’s blessing will not be on that marriage unless she repents and her attitude changes.
Unfortunately, in our society today, wives are fighting to control their husband. We call it women’s liberation, women’s rights, or equal rights. There are some good aspects to women’s rights, but much of the women’s rights movement is anti-male. That is part of the curse that God placed on us.
Galatians 6:7 says,
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. Galatians 6:7 (NASB)
People behave according to the curse, yielding to it, and suffering the consequences. Marriages are being destroyed. Many marriages are suffering because wives are fighting for control.
Husband Leads Unlovingly
But husbands are fighting too! That is the message of the last part of verse 16. It says, “And he will rule over you.” The Hebrew word for “rule” is mahsal, and it means “to dominate” or “to govern” in an unloving way. This is talking about unloving leadership. Think about this for a second. The woman will want to dominate her husband, and the husband will want to rule his wife in an unloving manner. What is that? This is conflict in marriage, or warfare in marriage. Two people warring it out in marriage. That is the idea.
The team that had harmony is now in conflict, because we are two negative personality types in marriage. This means that every marriage starts with two warriors. Think about it! They might come to the altar and say “I do,” and “I pledge this,” and “I pledge that,” but what does God say is going to happen? They are two warriors standing at the altar, and they will probably discover in the first year or two that they are warriors fighting it out. They are going to fight until at some point divorce occurs unless they realize what they are doing to one another and attitudes change.
How to Stop the War
In Ephesians 5:21 we are going to find that God tells us “how to” undo the curse. What Paul teaches in the passage is how to be filled with the Spirit in order to live a Spirit empowered life. When we come to verse 21, Paul says this:
And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.Ephesians 5:21 (NASB)
The word “subject” is an important one in the Greek. It is hypotasso. It means “to place under.” It has the idea of placing ourselves under someone else. Most of us want to be above someone else. Most of us think we are better than others, and what other people think is not that important. Therefore, we tend to ignore them. Paul says that we are to be subject to one another.
Then Paul continues in verse 22,
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 (NASB)
The words “be subject”is not actually in the original biblical text, but is implied from verse 21. That is why they put it in verse 22. It says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands.”
The word, hypotasso, also occurs in Luke 2:5; 1 Corinthians 15:27-28; and 1 Peter 2:13. In Luke 2:51 we are told that Jesus was hypotasso; that is, He was in subjection to His parents. He subjected Himself to His parents. If being in subjection to your husband is a negative thing, do you think Jesus would have done something negative in the presence of His parents?
Did you notice the last part of Ephesians 5:22? The verse says, “as to the Lord.” So if you are confused about what being in submission means, it is very clear here in verse 22, it is “as to the Lord.” Wives are to submit to their husbands in obedience to the Lord.
Then look at verse 24,
But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:24 (NASB)
Does it say that wives are to be in subjection to their husbands in just a few areas? No, it says in everything. Yet, are there a few exceptions?” Yes, if he asks of her something that would be in disobedience to the Lord. Examples are if he asks her to not attend church, to not spend time in the Word, or in prayer. Another area would be any request that she engage in specific sins.
The basic point in Ephesians 5:22-24 is that wives are to be in submission to their husbands in what? Everything! That is rather inclusive. Another similar passage is Colossians 3:18, which states that wives are to be subject to their husbands “as is fitting in the Lord”. Titus 2:5 says that wives are to be “subject to their own husbands”.
Many years ago I remember having a discussion with an individual about whether or not women should be subject to not only their husbands, but also to every other male in the church. There have been some very interesting discussions about different reasons for submission. However, all anyone has to do is look at Titus 2:5. It says wives are to be subject to their own husbands. It tells you to whom they are subject. Their own husbands—that is not to all men or to all husbands.
If you were to look at 1 Peter 3:1-7, wives of unbelieving men are told that they are to be subject to their husband so that their husband might be won to faith in Christ by the behavior of their wife. If the husband is disobedient to the Word of God, then his wife’s good behavior might motivate him to become a believer.
I want to say several things quickly. There are many believing men who are not in submission to the Word of God. They are abusive to their wives, both verbally and physically. I know of husbands who will spend money on themselves and leave their wives with almost nothing for clothes, food, or other basic needs. They are abusive to their wives in every way you can think of, because all they care about is themselves. 1 Peter 3: 1-2 says:
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 1 Peter 3:1-2 (NASB)
Now notice here in Ephesians 5:25 what the husband is supposed to do,
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25 (NASB)
Is it not fascinating that husbands are to love their wives in a sacrificial way, and to really care for their wives? If someone has to go without money, or someone has to go without food, guess who should go without ? The husband – the wife should have priority. Why? Because Jesus died for you. Who has the priority? Christ gave Himself up and sacrificed Himself for us.
I want to conclude with 1 Peter 3:7,
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way . . . 1 Peter 3:7 (NASB)
The verse says husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way. She is different than you are. She has a different personality than you have. She may be expressive, amiable, analytical, or a driver. You have the idea. Husbands are to seek to understand her.
. . . in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7 (NASB)
What does that tell us? Men, we are to treat our wives with honor. You say, “Why is that important?” Look at the last part of the verse. It says, “So that your prayers will not be hindered.”
What is the summary statement? If you want God to listen to your prayers, then you better treat your wife correctly. If you want God to ignore your prayers, then just go ahead and abuse your wife, be uncaring and do not treat her with honor. This is a promise. This is a negative promise—men, your prayers will be hindered. That is one way to have God ignore your prayers—just treat your wife in an unloving, dishonoring way.
Summary for War in Marriages
What is the summary of this study? The curse brought warfare into the relationship of Adam and Eve and the family. What does Ephesians 5 tell us to do? Wives be submissive, stop trying to control. Husbands are not to rule in an unloving manner, but lead with love. Take leadership, but do it with love.
So in summary, we enter marriage as warriors. The team is cursed; but God tells us how to develop a marriage that has a wonderful future. Husbands, love your wives; and wives, submit to your husbands.
Let us pray.